Archive for religion

The Pony Don’t Lie

Posted in fiction, Life, spiritualism, Uncategorized, Weird with tags , , , , , , , on May 5, 2009 by benwaysrustyscalpel

Josh Scobee walks out the side of the fishery munching on uncooked cod. Face grizzled and flecked with fish flesh. Waltzing puffy eyed down the block pinching little rivers out. “Oh my sweet baby I miss you” he squeaks to himself. “I miss you so much”

Jim the mechanic holds a shotgun to a nun and screams “By the saint’s cunts, there is no god” and blows the nuns brains into Josh Scobee’s face. Flittering, filching, light swelter, flesh splatter; “oh babe please holds it close for me.”

“Fucking got nun on my cod!”

“Can’t we all just get along”, the nun says picking her brains off of the ground. “In the name of the father the son and the holy fuck, don’t point that shit at me again, that  shit hurt. Anyway tell me, why did you blow my head off?”

“Well you were looking at me all judging and calling me wrong with your eyes!”

“Oh sweetie, my sopping wet nun pussy does crave the cock. You see, penises are fluttering like a million smelly butterflies; and because large erections doth flurry about like snakes through the grass of my mind.  I have no space for judgment there. All things in life not directly related to penises are very strictly taken word for word from the bible. Do you think it a bad practice?”

“Well I suppose they are virtuous rules, but how can you consider yourself a woman under god if that’s all you think about?”

“God is the feeling of a big one deep in there. God is squirting five yards onto your man’s suit and having his whole office smell  pussy the next day. Glorious, glorious muscle contraction.”

“I like the way you jive, say I was to offer you a deal my little Vatican lady…”

“I’m listening?”

“My penis needs resurrection, ya’ dig.”

The nun’s gown shreds down the middle and her tits flop to either side. Belly flesh is careened apart in a mushroom of acrid smoke. Her pussy lips flap like hawk wings, slathering pussy spittle in all directions. Jim recites “Oh father lord in heaven hallow be thigh name.” face drawn in the premature dusk.

“Now hold on just one second” The local sheriff intones from the saddle of his jet black pony. The pony rears and unloads a steaming pile onto the asphalt. Sheriff dismounts with the moon haloing the nun’s fractured skull. “Now you look here. I done heard them gun shots. I done heard that groanin’ and a gruntin’” “And I wants to know, who thinks they can get away with some typa’ shenanigans on my watch?” He spits tobacco at Jim’s feet. “Jim, you bess be telling me why that shotgun smokin’?” “Why this here lady under gods bleeding copiously and convulsing like LA in an earthquake?” “Why my dick is suddenly stiff with anticipation of your story?”

“Sheriff, there aren’t no laws here, and you done  decided to question me on the wrong day!” They both draw and the sheriff’s head caves in. The pony rears up and takes a pack of camels out of his ass hole. Lights one up and stares at the moon with shiny pony eyes.

His big buck teeth seem to be grinning but he don’t feel nothin’ but contempt. “You humans don’t befit the gifts evolution gave you. Any time I choose I can stick my dick in something, blow a load mighty quick and be on with it. I enjoy looking at the stars Jim. Do you understand that? The grass feels like heaven against my lips.” His mouth trembles with emotion. ” Any one time I open my eyes I see a network so complex I could spend a lifetime looking, and wouldn’t be done finding. You done think you can put a fence around us, ride us, and you think the same thing about your brothers and sisters. When are y’all gonna’ live free? See that moon? You only gonna’ see it maybe twenty more times full. And your life is as bright as them stars. Yous’all just a Buncha’ ignorant asses.”

“Did you see me just shoot the sheriff in the face. I say fuck the order too!”

“That’s just the beginning. You gotta fuck the order that’s inside you. Then you gonna’ start to see clearly for the first time.” He drags deep burning down to the butt. “Peace.” His voice calls out as he sinks into the asphalt.

The Substitute

Posted in fiction, spiritualism, Uncategorized, Weird with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2009 by benwaysrustyscalpel

three-war-veteran-uss-constitution This year the senior class at Mt. Snow High is getting a special visit from a very special substitute. Parents excreting their constant torrent of anxiety complained that the kids were gaining no worldly culture at  school. The administration quickly decided the best course of action was to invite the always wandering town veteran to come in and lecture during a teacher’s sick day.

“Hello, my children. How are you today?” “My name is Mr. Rumplshnout.” “Mr. Johnson couldn’t come in today because he got in an accident, well to digress, when he was smoking a big old crack rock and thought his cock was shooting sparks into the transvestite’s anal pussy he was pounding, it subsequently caused him to throw her,  him, off. Heroic, really quite selfless, when he could have easily continued melting this hookers insides for the pleasure. Had a little too much herculean junk strength though. Smashed the windshield into the car, smeared blood and other alien juices all over.”

“Don’t act shocked little girl, I know usually he’d be in after just that. But the cops were called, and they showed up right when the PCP he took kicked in, wowee long story short he got his teeth smashed in, cops were hungry for a mouth fuck so… People aren’t normal. That’s for damn sure. Thusly nothing in a perfect world should be taboo. Do you grasp that?” “Oh gods spare me the blushing.” “You’re ideas are small, you’re greed has not yet blossomed into a life sucking tree that feeds off the feces dropped by other life sucking fecal fetal monsters.” “Tell me do any of you think you know what you’ll do when you’re older, little greed shrubs?” “Well never mind that, I’ll talk about myself a little bit.” “How nice it is to have fresh young ears to preach too.”

“While I was in Nam, cut off some chinks leg and ate it to the bone. Been trying to deal with the temptation of eating human flesh ever since. Got abducted by aliens twice, a third time I recently found out was my ex wife putting a rupee in my bourbon and playing with my ass dressed like a surgeon. The aliens were gentler.”

“Had my penis removed, replaced, enlarged and deflated, cut into 4’s and silicon injected to form a quadrangle sex organ. Little kids got scared by that, so I had fluffy hair from a panda’s snatch surgically transplanted. I’m hot shit now.

“Been with my share of minors, boys and girls, they all ask for it. Beg really. I can see it in your eyes now, some of you are hungry as shit. Nah, stay away I don’t think of it as sex, it’s like I’m draining all the innocence out. I know you’ll, eh hem, they’ll remember it forever. Like little flesh monuments to my animosity.” A little boy runs out of the room crying.

“Ha nah common I’m gentle. I’m not going to force the issue. Anyway, killed ten men outside of what I did in Nam. Savored five of them real good, cried after two, one being my papa, the other a boy I was diddling and just felt like strangling him. Another two were in bank robberies, one I served time for. Rest I killed in prison.”

“Don’t get me started on prison…Sniffed coke out of loaded shotguns, pissed in mouths of sleeping nuns. Uhg … Dropped acid inside the carcass of a lama. I’ve never really been human since then. Yes I brought tabs for all of you want them.”

“Once killed a whole swat team one after another in super slow PCP time, knife in knife out, brutal shit. Found out two years later, on the run in Mexico, I’d just mutilated all my cats.”

“Yes, Mr. Rumpleshnout’s in a bad mood today because he got booted from the blackened basement of the “Christmas fire house”. You know the one all the orphans melted to ash in, dreaming of snowy tits and bonking with ethereal ghost mothers under a neon Christmas tree.”

“What’s your name little one?” He points at cute freckled girl with his knobbly fingers twitching.

“Peggy Sue” she says indignantly.

“Come up here in front of the class with Mr. Rumpleshnout.” “You too, in the back, with the Hollister shirt. C’mon.”

They shuffle nervously to the front of the class.

“Everyone here knows that heroin gives people special powers right?”

“Yes.” The class moans hesitantly.

“Good” “Now Peggy Sue please blow this nice young lad here.”

“Never!” She yells in shock, the class trembles in mock terror. Mr. Rumplshnout takes out a shiny silver revolver and pistol whips her across the face. A molar flies across the room.

“You will do it now so I can prove my  point!”

She gets on her knees and the boy shaking takes out his man organ. The class seems to huddle together. A great fire of observation warms them from a shared center of primal want. They don’t whisper or blush. They just sit with pale faces and terrible white cloud eyes.

Peggy, overwhelmed with fear and terror, and lust, blacks out. The class watches  as her head bobs. As the boy’s skin wrinkles, pulling taught and paling. As Peggy Sue sucks all the flesh out of the boy, her stomach inflates like a balloon. A loose pile of skin and bones drops in a heap on to the floor with a sickly slurping sound. The sky outside blackens. Diseased  clouds swirl.

Mr. Rumplshnout lets out a roar of laughter. “You see my children, heroin is  divine light.” “With it you will find perspective. With it you will find truth!”

He dances a fiery jig on the pile of skin and bones that was  boy. Feet stomp splattering cartilage in a devilish syncopation. The seething of murderous thoughts from glistening child eyes begs to accent the snapping femur and rib cage.

“We are transcendental, transcendental, hi diddle ho.” He sings over and over again until the police deal with him.

The kids aren’t emotionally mutilated by the memory of the scene per say. More accurately the memory envelopes them and transforms them completely. Vile creatures, they lace like a virus through the future, reproducing and spreading. Until no family can say that a murderer or a rapist or a lunatic doesn’t lie nestled like a cat in their ancestral tree (Or perhaps they suddenly feel as though the taste of another humans struggle could be offbeat and interesting themselves). And so humanity like the crust of a pie in an old veterans slackened drooling mouth crumbles into acidic spittle.

The Real Story of Easter

Posted in fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2009 by benwaysrustyscalpel

Oh way back when, when things were simple and the air wasn’t the smog of industry. Back before time and mind made fetid the race of humans. When it was OK to pass a tendril of  gas through the rectum into the thin night air and no nostril would twitch, no mouth would open in protest.

In that day of the suns great glory, when semen did fly imperiously, there was a lady fair. A simple working woman with beautiful star smeared legs, big bountiful eye catching stocks. They glistened with sweat in the hot sun, sandals flopping down the roman hillside. A vision of lust for all soldiers and slaves to see.

Her husband, a burly fisherman, defended those statues with the ferocity of a madman; and a madman he was. Rumor was he once ate a man’s eye because the texture became suddenly impossibly appealing. He once ate his own feces it was whispered.

So vicious and cruel was he, no champion would think to try and steal his maiden’s hand, for she had been tainted and his mind had surely dripped poison into hers. It was cried along the walls and markets, palaces and brothels that the lady with the golden beauties, who ran hereabouts, had an unconscionable thing done to her by that madman. So terrible was the deed, she would henceforth be socially scalded, and was given the moniker “Shark Pussy”.

A year before a drunkards lip first quivered whilst speaking that slanderous name. That unquestionable golden beauty was exploring a grave. The dead were so peaceful she always had thought, so she left for the mausoleum that lay lonely, at that spot. There, upon a grave was engraved simply, “Jesus of Nazareth rests here eternally”.

Standing with golden legs rooted against the stiff breeze. Something moaned and stirred beneath her feat. A rotting arm did show itself then, and then a body, and finally a head. “I am Jesus Christ of Nazareth and my cock will inside you, fair maiden be spent.”

“Oh no Jesus I must be faithful, with my man there is no repent”

“Listen bitch I’m resurrected, freshly erected, been hungry in that grave.” So with no more words said, he took her and had her and made her his. “Yes I am Jesus and this woman is mine. No roman will cross the line, my seed did sow.” But words are just words, and hold no real power, so when the madman came home within that lusty hour,

a look did cross his face, like ice, like sleet, like horrible rain; and then he changed, and morphed again and again “Oh no, oh no Jesus he’ll kill us all, leave now, please save your holy self.”

“Well fuck I thought I was the man under god, but this guy is crazy so I’m going to split.”

“Goodbye Jesus she moaned.” As his sandaled feet scurried out the door.

She turned her head shaking and quivering so. “Please don’t hurt me, please, you know how I love you so.” He turned to her from a lost place and said “A Jew, not even a pure roman you did bed.”

“I know I am bad, he just seemed to shine.”

“You’d say that of every cock you could find.”

“Well I am doomed now to face the wrath I did fetch”

“Yes this is true, in fact I brought home quite a large catch”

“Why dear why do you discuss things so trivial.” And out of his pouch came a shark on the swivel. “Well sweet thing, lovely, you snake like cunt, this shark well…”

Oh that temptress with the long languid pig tails

With hearty rump and the open ocean eyes

She who runs hereabouts with breast bouncing high

Well she sir is tainted, don’t lend her an eye.