The Substitute

three-war-veteran-uss-constitution This year the senior class at Mt. Snow High is getting a special visit from a very special substitute. Parents excreting their constant torrent of anxiety complained that the kids were gaining no worldly culture at  school. The administration quickly decided the best course of action was to invite the always wandering town veteran to come in and lecture during a teacher’s sick day.

“Hello, my children. How are you today?” “My name is Mr. Rumplshnout.” “Mr. Johnson couldn’t come in today because he got in an accident, well to digress, when he was smoking a big old crack rock and thought his cock was shooting sparks into the transvestite’s anal pussy he was pounding, it subsequently caused him to throw her,  him, off. Heroic, really quite selfless, when he could have easily continued melting this hookers insides for the pleasure. Had a little too much herculean junk strength though. Smashed the windshield into the car, smeared blood and other alien juices all over.”

“Don’t act shocked little girl, I know usually he’d be in after just that. But the cops were called, and they showed up right when the PCP he took kicked in, wowee long story short he got his teeth smashed in, cops were hungry for a mouth fuck so… People aren’t normal. That’s for damn sure. Thusly nothing in a perfect world should be taboo. Do you grasp that?” “Oh gods spare me the blushing.” “You’re ideas are small, you’re greed has not yet blossomed into a life sucking tree that feeds off the feces dropped by other life sucking fecal fetal monsters.” “Tell me do any of you think you know what you’ll do when you’re older, little greed shrubs?” “Well never mind that, I’ll talk about myself a little bit.” “How nice it is to have fresh young ears to preach too.”

“While I was in Nam, cut off some chinks leg and ate it to the bone. Been trying to deal with the temptation of eating human flesh ever since. Got abducted by aliens twice, a third time I recently found out was my ex wife putting a rupee in my bourbon and playing with my ass dressed like a surgeon. The aliens were gentler.”

“Had my penis removed, replaced, enlarged and deflated, cut into 4’s and silicon injected to form a quadrangle sex organ. Little kids got scared by that, so I had fluffy hair from a panda’s snatch surgically transplanted. I’m hot shit now.

“Been with my share of minors, boys and girls, they all ask for it. Beg really. I can see it in your eyes now, some of you are hungry as shit. Nah, stay away I don’t think of it as sex, it’s like I’m draining all the innocence out. I know you’ll, eh hem, they’ll remember it forever. Like little flesh monuments to my animosity.” A little boy runs out of the room crying.

“Ha nah common I’m gentle. I’m not going to force the issue. Anyway, killed ten men outside of what I did in Nam. Savored five of them real good, cried after two, one being my papa, the other a boy I was diddling and just felt like strangling him. Another two were in bank robberies, one I served time for. Rest I killed in prison.”

“Don’t get me started on prison…Sniffed coke out of loaded shotguns, pissed in mouths of sleeping nuns. Uhg … Dropped acid inside the carcass of a lama. I’ve never really been human since then. Yes I brought tabs for all of you want them.”

“Once killed a whole swat team one after another in super slow PCP time, knife in knife out, brutal shit. Found out two years later, on the run in Mexico, I’d just mutilated all my cats.”

“Yes, Mr. Rumpleshnout’s in a bad mood today because he got booted from the blackened basement of the “Christmas fire house”. You know the one all the orphans melted to ash in, dreaming of snowy tits and bonking with ethereal ghost mothers under a neon Christmas tree.”

“What’s your name little one?” He points at cute freckled girl with his knobbly fingers twitching.

“Peggy Sue” she says indignantly.

“Come up here in front of the class with Mr. Rumpleshnout.” “You too, in the back, with the Hollister shirt. C’mon.”

They shuffle nervously to the front of the class.

“Everyone here knows that heroin gives people special powers right?”

“Yes.” The class moans hesitantly.

“Good” “Now Peggy Sue please blow this nice young lad here.”

“Never!” She yells in shock, the class trembles in mock terror. Mr. Rumplshnout takes out a shiny silver revolver and pistol whips her across the face. A molar flies across the room.

“You will do it now so I can prove my  point!”

She gets on her knees and the boy shaking takes out his man organ. The class seems to huddle together. A great fire of observation warms them from a shared center of primal want. They don’t whisper or blush. They just sit with pale faces and terrible white cloud eyes.

Peggy, overwhelmed with fear and terror, and lust, blacks out. The class watches  as her head bobs. As the boy’s skin wrinkles, pulling taught and paling. As Peggy Sue sucks all the flesh out of the boy, her stomach inflates like a balloon. A loose pile of skin and bones drops in a heap on to the floor with a sickly slurping sound. The sky outside blackens. Diseased  clouds swirl.

Mr. Rumplshnout lets out a roar of laughter. “You see my children, heroin is  divine light.” “With it you will find perspective. With it you will find truth!”

He dances a fiery jig on the pile of skin and bones that was  boy. Feet stomp splattering cartilage in a devilish syncopation. The seething of murderous thoughts from glistening child eyes begs to accent the snapping femur and rib cage.

“We are transcendental, transcendental, hi diddle ho.” He sings over and over again until the police deal with him.

The kids aren’t emotionally mutilated by the memory of the scene per say. More accurately the memory envelopes them and transforms them completely. Vile creatures, they lace like a virus through the future, reproducing and spreading. Until no family can say that a murderer or a rapist or a lunatic doesn’t lie nestled like a cat in their ancestral tree (Or perhaps they suddenly feel as though the taste of another humans struggle could be offbeat and interesting themselves). And so humanity like the crust of a pie in an old veterans slackened drooling mouth crumbles into acidic spittle.

2 Responses to “The Substitute”

  1. incognitio Says:

    Very, very fascinating piece of text, crawling with major cultural and philosophical implications. This quote:

    “More accurately the memory envelopes them and transforms them completely.”

    It made me think of Klossowski’s book, Nietzsche and The Vicious Circle -also some of Nietzsche’s texts too. You should give it a shot if you haven’t, some of the elements you touched upon with the kids and humanity smack of Klossowski.

  2. Mmm, yes indeed.

    And the part where you wrote stuff really invoked a sense of neo-post-classicism that I feel helped to transcend the uniformity of what Nietzsche would have termed the blah blah blah….

    I’m not sure about the ‘implications’ of your ‘text’, but I thought it was well-written and interesting; I especially enjoyed the ‘dropped acid in the carcass of a lama’ line.

    Keep at it mate.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: